The Highly Sensitive, Slow-to-warm-up Child

"Is your child... Sensitive to almost everything - scratchy clothes, funny tastes, loud noises, a change in routine" - The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D

A friend introduced the above-mentioned book to me recently. Upon reading the back cover, immediately it dawns on me that Ariel, my older girl, is really as what is mentioned - a highly sensitive child (HSC).

As with most HSCs, she's the type who: would never wear clothes that cause a single discomfort (those with an embroidered picture); hates the taste of soy milk, barley, milo (anything that leaves an after taste); is terribly afraid of loud sounds like Lion Dance, stereo (and thus still do not dare to step into a cinema); and feels all nervous about a change in routine unless being told in advance what to expect.

When she was much younger, she's the type who: cried at the door for a 2 whole hours on first day of Daycare; refused to join in any games at birthday parties; shy away from the slide and playground; screamed at any loud noises even during a church worship.

When I saw the book, I regret not reading it earlier. However, I was very relieved that as ignorant a parent as I was, I had done something right. These are what we did right:

1. Provide lots of opportunities for all kinds of experiences
I remember how since Ariel was 3 years old, and we discovered she likes drawing, we started enrolling her in art classes. I remember how I always asked for trial classes and would watch closely her interaction with her teachers (at 3, there's usually very little interaction among kids). We started with very small class ratio, say about 1 teacher to 3 kids, in order that she would not feel overwhelmed. (A HSC feels overwhelmed easily by a high level of activity). Avoid classes that are too huge or where the teacher cannot afford too much attention on a single child. Up till now, at 6 years old, Ariel is still easily overwhelmed by too large a class as she often mentioned how she likes one-to-one tutelage better.

2. Stay with the HSC until she is comfortable with her surrounding
I remember when Ariel first started any new schools, I would have to stay with her for a few sessions before she's comfortable with me being out of sight. I understand how in local school/childcare environment, it is almost impossible to do so, as most teacher feel uncomfortable with parents in the class. However, what I did was to drop her off early in school and try as much as possible to chat with her teachers. Children take their cue from us. When they perceive us being friends to the teachers, they are able to trust the teachers more. This in turn, help them get used to the environment quicker. Also, always assure them that "mommy will be here as soon as you're done". However, DO NOT drag the farewell especially when you notice they are going to cry. Say what you need to say, and leave!

3. If routine should change, run through the change with the HSC
Routine calms a HSC. But their dependency on routines can be a bane. Ariel does not react well to change in routine, even up to now. I would not say I have managed to help her overcome this, I am someone who thrives on routine as well. However, I do know that should there be a change in routine, I had to pre-warn her and tell her what to expect, to minimize her anxiety. She will still feel anxious and uneasy sometimes, but it always helps when I keep her informed. However, as she's older now, I came to realise as well, that over-warning or "over-telling" her what's going to happen creates more anxiety instead. So, tell them only once about the change and don't keep harping on it, else it will backfire!


4. Never push a child to join in any activities. Let her watch from afar
I made a grave mistake when I was eager to get Ariel get her to join in party games or be desensitized to loud sounds. Being someone who has always believed in overcoming fears, I used to ignore her pleas to get out of the theatre or loud worship services until she screamed in protest. For a HSC, the sensitivity to loud noise is as real as that of a child with sensory issues. Do not push the child if they don't want to be near to anything loud or any stimulating activities which overwhelms them. Let them watch from afar at a decibel comfortable to them if it's possible or be a spectator to the game. Although they are not participating in them, the HSC is actually taking in all the sights and sounds. Similarly, never push a HSC to be in the limelight if she doesn't want to. I understand how, in efforts to promote leadership qualities in children these days, schools like to get kids to do performances. However, my take on this is: So what if my child is not in the limelight this time round? So what if she is a bench-warmer? Who knows? One day, she might volunteer herself and that is much more precious than being asked by the teacher to do it ;)

And with this, it brings me to my last point:

5. Manage your own expectations
To be honest, being someone who loves parties, who believes in jumping into the pool and figure how to swim later, I knew straight away that Ariel is totally the opposite of me. I really struggled in the early years of her life and to be frank, even tho' she had come a long way, certain aspects of her still makes me heave a sigh at times. However, as parents, we need to come to realisation that everyone is created differently and every child is an individual by herself. We need to understand that a highly sensitive child will grow up to be a highly sensitive teenager; and a highly sensitive teenager will most likely be a highly sensitive adult in future. The best way to help a HSC cope with the insensitive world is really to accept them for who they are. Once we can manage our expectations, our HSCs will be happier children and more balanced as adults.

I know I'll face greater challenges when Ariel starts formal school education next year. Being a HSC who is also a perfectionist, the realities of formal school education make take a toil on her as she is sensitive to her surrounding and expects herself to be perfect at the same time. Peer pressure and kids politics may set in... well, until then, I shall soldier on ;) Jiayou to me! Will blog about raising a perfectionist if I do overcome... Meanwhile, can only keep her in prayers ;)